My Soul Has Cirrhosis

I'll buy the gun and the bullets if you pull the fucking trigger.

"If Sex Was a Race I'd Always Lose" - J.J.

Family dynamics are probably one of the most interesting, and frustrating, things I've ever dealt with...  Sometimes I wish I would have started this blog under an alias, I could go indepth about how absolutley fucked up my family is and not have to worry about anyone's feelings getting hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I love them all... they are my family but I am beginning to understand why a lot of families only have visits at Christmas.

I'm really going to focus on doing things that will sustain my happiness from here on out. When I get home I'm going to start hunting for a job and get my career on the go. Also, I'm going to get back into running and start training for another half marathon. I'm going to focus on strengthening my friendships with the people who support me and care about me unconditionally... I've been acting stupid lately and putting far too much energy into relationships and friendships that are toxic. It's ridiculous that I do that; the only person who loses is me. I think I'm a sucker for punishment, haha.

My Plans For September
1)Find a job- anywhere. Keep applying for LPN positions...
2)Start marathon training again- run 4x per week
3)Meditate each day for 20mins
4)Send an email each week to one friend I haven't spoke with in a long time

Oh, and another random thought... Lately when I've been feeling blue I watch the Beyonce Live clips on YouTube. It probably sounds cheesy but I find it empowering and I instantly feel better. Try it sometime, she is amazing!

xx

I Took a Sip of Something Poison But I'll Hold On Tight

Helena Beat- Foster the People

Sometimes life it takes you by the hand
It puts you down before you know it
It's gone and you're dead again.
I've been in places and I won't pretend
That I make it I just follow my head.
When its strange to take a walk downstairs
Sweep you all up on a corner and pay for my bread.
You know that I cannot believe my own truth
To show what a truth, got nothin' to lose.

Yeah yeah and it's okay.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I'm alright.
I took a sip of something poison but I'll hold on tight.

You know those days when u wanted to choose
To not get out of bed and get lost in your head again.
You play the game but you gotta cut
Cuz' you're comin' down hard your joints are off stud.
I tried to say that's not the only way
I never knew if I could convince myself to change.
You were pacing I was insecure.
Slip and fall I got the call of the prison I was livin' in.

Yeah yeah and it's okay.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don't fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I'm alright.
I took a sip of something poison but I'll hold on tight

I'm On the Edge With You...

Greetings, Nerds, and Happy Monday!  I know a lot of people dislike Monday (ie- "case of the Mondays") but I don't really mind them... Monday is the beginning of a new week- clean slate, fresh start! 

I'm still on "vacation" in MedHat.  As much as I love my friends and my family I really do miss the Okanagan...  I leave Wednesday and I am driving with two girlfriends to Vancouver.  We are staying with our friend Steven who lives there, and I am really looking forward to a 'girls weekend' away.  I love Vancouver <3  We will be there Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and then on Saturday I'm headed home.  Back to reality, back to the job hunt!

It's been a really busy 9 days (as stated in my last post) and I am excited to go home and go back to my routine.

I went out and partied like a rockstar this weekend, my friends finally convinced me to go out and WHOOP it up...  I am freaking exhausted. 

Also, today we had family pictures done.  It was my mom, brother, papa, and myself.  My friend Cheryl (who I adore) did them...  Cheryl sent me one and I think it looks really good, I am excited to see the rest!

Oh... and I did a bit more shopping.  Funny story, my girlfriend Jolene and I went to the mall one night and we were looking for an outfit for her to wear out.  We found this sexy little black dress, and then we went into Spring to find some shoes... Immediently I spotted a pair of cheetah print block heeled shoes and I fell in love.  Honestly, I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw those shoes.  Jolene and I both ended up getting them, and wearing them out on the same night, haha.  Also, I got another dress (bad Brandi) but it was cheap AND a good fit.  It's from the new Material Girl line  (created by Madonna, haha) and I actually REALLY like the fall collection.  The fit of the clothing is really flattering for buxom bodies and it's reasonably priced.  I got a navajo print dress that has huge pockets on the side.  I think it was $35CDN which isn't too steep (even for a poor recovering college student, haha!)  You can purchase the collection at the Bay in Canada, here is a link to the website:  http://materialgirlcollection.com/fall_2011/

Jolene and I in our matching shoes, haha.

Porsche.

Sneak Peek from the family photo shoot <3

Navajo pattern dress from the
Material Girl Collection

My new shoes purchased from SPRING
$39CND
Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my chin...

Bowling... I bowled a 36 one game, apparently
that's really bad.

'The Best Thing I Never Had' by Beyonce is my jam of the week.
My girlfriend Taisia LOVES Beyonce, and I think it's rubbing off on me.
Besides, Beyonce looks sexy in this video... Watching this is enough
motivation to get my ass to the gym in the A.M.- haha!

Gangstas Don't Dance They Boogey

Aloha.

So I am in Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada right now visiting family and friends...  This place isn't my favorite but it has been a really busy 5 days, I have barely had time to breathe... 

So, I haven't found a nursing job yet (fuck), actually I haven't found any sort of job yet (double fuck) and I am broke- boo!

However, because I am home (and broke) I am getting spoiled  a lil' bit by my mom... She has taken me shopping for the necessities (shampoo, deodorant, etc) and also took me to some thrift shops (my fave!) where I found some AWESOME stuff.  Now if I could convince her to lend me some money so I could get these god awful dark roots touched up we'd be in business!  I kid! I kid!  Well, sort of... Le Sigh.

Anyways, MedHat isn't crawling with hipsters like most other cities so the selection at the thrift stores is pretty decent.


On to the goodies... oh, and please don't mind my appearance in these pictures, I just got back from a run =D

Semi-pretentious look...
Red blazer $4
Black Dress is old
Purse $2
Red Toms are new and a gift from my bestie <3

Red Toms - $55
Brown Shoes- $4
Sandals- $8
Tan Flats- $4

I adore this pretty bohemian style dress...
$6

Quilted Chain Strap Purse- $2
Cheetah Vest- $3
Faux Leather Shorts- $9
Flats (shown above) $4

Blazer- $6
Purse (shown above)- $2

Faux Leather Jacket- $9
Dress- $10

So, this stuff WAS NOT thrifted ( it's new, of course)
Bra/Panties are from La Senza- approx $50
Socks are from Dollar Giant and were $5 for the 4 pair

Hat- $2
Boots-$6

Blazer- $7
Loafers- $8

This top is my favorite find- this picture does not do it justice.
$4

Blazer (shown above)- $4
Purse- $2

I just watched 'Friends With Benefits' - it was pretty funny, and it also pissed me off. Gee I'm jaded.

Weekend Update With Brandi C.

Friday- Arrived in MedHat, ate a burrito, slept in a King Sized Bed

Saturday- Drank with my Step-Sisters, Danced at a country bar, attended a 4am hot tub party

Sunday- Slept in. Late. Ate Filet Mignon. Hung out with my two best friends- they love moi.

Monday- Went on a river float.. With no floatation device.... Didn't die. Broke into a public pool and went swimming at 2am.

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Le Sigh.

xx

This is my creation from 3 this morning.  Oh dear... ha.

Even Though We Ain't Got Money I'm So In Love With You Honey...

Trying to be optimistic today...  My life is sort of overwhelming right now...

Guess I'm going to try to organize my thoughts.

I'm done school in 2 days.  Scary.  Which means that I need to find employment, sooner the better.  After looking under every single health care authority in BC I have come to the conclusion that there are NO JOBS for LPNs here.  RNs, yes... but not LPNs (which makes me think I should have just taken my RN from the beginning- nothing I can do about that though.)  So, I have a few options

(1) I can stay in Kelowna, hope to get hired as a casual at a few places and pray I get enough shifts to pay my rent.  If I can't find a LPN job I can go work at Subway (or somewhere equally as degrading) and make $11.00 and live in poverty until I find something.

or

(2) I can move back to Medicine Hat, where I will likely be getting close to full time hours... and even if I am not I don't have to foot the $700 rent bill a month because I can stay in one of my grandpa's basement suites for free.  SCORE.  In the meantime I can save some money and apply for jobs in Calgary, Edmonton, and even back in BC, and when I get one I can relocate again.

I really don't want to move back to Medicine Hat, but maybe it's what I need to do for a while...

I just know how hard it is to leave once you get comfortable.  I guess I could put a time limit on it... Say that I have to move by May.  Work towards it...  Plus, for what I will save on rent, I will be able to put away to make my next move a bit easier.

GAH.

I'm trying to think positive and put my faith in the universe, believe that everything happens for a reason and whatever is meant to happen will happen.  All I can do is try my best to find work in Kelowna...

Postive thoughts. Positive thoughts.

Another thing that is bothering me... Just last week I found out a friend of mine has a brain tumor.  Hearing that news destroyed my heart.  We've grown apart over the last few years (like everyone does) but when I was in high school she was one of my best friends.  She is having the tumor removed this week and then the pathologist is going to look at it and give her insight into what's going on.  It's devastating news, and it breaks my heart because she is such an amazing, kind individual and it makes me think "why her?  What did this lovely girl do to deserve such a cruel punishment?"  I'm just going to think positive for her too, it was just a slap in the face and a reminder that life is short and I have a lot to be thankful for...

My one hope is that whoever is reading this takes a minute today to tell the special people in their life how amazing they actually are.

xx

Brandi

Sunday Funday!

3 more shifts and I am FINISHED my stint as a student (yippee!) ...Time to find a j-o-b! PS- it's Sunday Funday and I'm drunk off peach beer and vodka diet. Hip, hip, hooray!

xoxo

Random Thoughts of Today

This is going to be a semi bi-polar post I'm sure.  Lots of random thoughts whizzing around in my head and I would like to get them down STAT (like my health care lingo? haha)

1) I must remember to wear sunscreen.  I am STILL nursing my sunburn from last weekend, gah.

2) Men are the enemy.  Please, to all the gentlemen chatting me up lately- stay away.  I am not dating, and also celibate, until further notice. Thanks.

3) Platinum blonde hair is far too expensive for a broke college kid to maintain.  Get my roots touched up, or buy groceries? Decisions, decisions...

4) You always want what you can't have. It's annoying.

5) It's been far too long since I have been to a concert.  Foo Fighters are in Vancouver in October and I am upset that I didn't have enough money to buy a ticket :(

6) I am OTC drug addict.  I need nighttime cold medication to fall alseep at night, I think it's a problem.

7) I've got a dyslexic heart.

8) Be selfless, not selfish.  Selfish people suck.

9) I am spending my 'summer vacation' in Medicine Hat, Alberta.  Christ.

10) 'I Could Never Be Your Woman' by White Town is my favorite song this week.  "Now I know your heart, I know your mind- you don't even know you're being unkind.  So much for all your high brow Marxist ways, just use me up and then you walk away.  Boy, you can't play me that way."

11) After watching Plant of the Apes: Rise of the Apes I am thoroughly convinced that apes could easily take over our world.  Forget about Zombies- we need to worry about the fucking monkeys!

12) Cupcakes make things 100% better.  Ok, maybe not 100% better, maybe 60%.  But better none the less.

...and that is all.

xx

It's All Fun & Games Until Someone Gets a Sunburn...

Greetings.

Today was a very interesting day: I spent the day with my father.

 About a year ago we had a falling out, and he revealed some hurtful secrets about my family, and I never thought I would forgive him for it.  After not seeing or speaking for a year I finally agreed to see him.  We met for breakfast at Denny's which was good; conversation felt a bit forced but the tension was minimal.  After that he invited me to go to his beach lot on the lake where the rest of my family was.  It was beautiful day (32c), and I was off work so I agreed to meet him there.

I went home to grab my bathing suit and a towel and  on the drive there I felt anxiety growing in me.  What if things were awkward around everyone else?  What if we all started fighting?  Maybe it was too much too soon...  I set the feelings aside and decided to just go for it- after all, what did I have to lose?

When I arrived I saw about 10 other members of my family and their friends there, once again I felt the anxiety building in me...

Things went surprisingly well.

I went out boating with my dad, step sister, neice, and nephew and the kids went tubing. I was somehow convinced to go on it (it has been years since I have) and actually had a really great time. Afterwards we all set out towels on the dock and layed in the sunshine. We had lunch, swan, chatted, and I napped. After spending a full day out there I said my goodbyes, gave hugs, and said that I hoped to see them soon.

I actually meant it.

I think that I have had a change of heart because of the time that I have put in working at the Hospice. You really begin to understand how short life is and how quickly things can change. Sure my 'dad' may never be the man that I want him to be, but I am going to try to accept him for who he is. I think it's possible that we may actually have a healthy relationship one day.

On a not so positive note... I am very sunburned. I put sunscreen on my face every day so my face isn't bad but EVERYTHING else is bright red. I should know better, I am a blonde hair, blue eyed, freckled gal- I NEED TO WEAR SUNSCREEN. Sigh.

xx

My sister and nephew

Me, reliving my childhood on the tube

Enjoying the hot, hot heat

Mama duck and her babies





Take a Moment...

I love reading inspirational and positive thoughts.  This was posted on Facebook and it really made me think- take a second to read it and reflect.
xo


If I had my life to live over...



I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.


I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.


I would have talked less and listened more.


I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.


I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.


I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.


I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.


I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.


I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.


There would have been more “I love you’s.” More “I’m sorry’s.”


But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.


Stop sweating the small stuff. Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.


Instead, let’s cherish the relationships we have with those who DO love us.


Let’s think about what the universe blessed us with.


And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.


Life is too short to let it pass you by.


We only have one shot at this and then it’s gone.


I hope you all have a blessed day.


                                                                                                                     -Erma Bombeck

Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

Greetings.

I have been a blog slacker, but once again I had a very busy week.  I had two friends (Phil and Tom) from my hometown visit at different times this week.  I had to show these gents' the crazy Kelowna way so needless to say I drank a copious amout of liquor.  PLUS, it was long weekend, and it's the first NICE weekend we've had in over a month so I had to spend some time at the beach.

This post is about my current loves.

1. Pumped Up Kicks- Foster the People

I am so addicted to this song right now, I feel like I listen to it 100x a day.  The rest of their stuff is really good too, ch-ch-check it out.

2. Dark Kiss Body Fragrance Mist (Bath and Body Works)

I adore this scent, it works amazing with my body chemistry and smells super sexy.  Plus, it's only $12CDN so I can basically bathe in it. Rawr.

3. Strongbergs

Drink of the summer!  I'll drink these like water on a hot day.  It's Strongbow Cider with Lime or Raspberry Slush on top. Amazing.


4. 30 Day Shred

Lately I have been checking out different exercise DVDs because I am too cheap to renew my gym membership and miss all the fun classes... This is effing hard.  I used 5lbs weights the first couple times but had to switch down to 3lb weights because I was struggling keeping good form.  The workout is done with a 3-2-1 approach- 3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio, one minute abs.  It's 30mins and I think I work harder in those 30mins than I do most day at the gym.  I am loving this and I could see more definition in my body after doing this for 5 consecutive days. Love.

That is all for now <3